10 Groaners

 
I can hear the moans and gnashing of teeth already!
 
 
 1)  King  Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with  the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.  Croesus said, "I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it."  But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don’t you know who I am?  I am the king!"  Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

 2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers.  However, all the Swiss league records were  unfortunately
destroyed in a fire, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 3) A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!"  The doctor calmly responded,  "Now, settle down.  You’ll just have to be a little  patient."

 4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.  One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.  Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 5) Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made watch cases, they used them to produce compasses.  The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.  This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

 6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and
urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

 7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned  the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him  to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After  a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a  deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each  had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 10) A  skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of  a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
 – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The guy who wrote these 10 puns entered them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries, he couldn’t lose. As they were reading the list of winners, he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

PS:  I received a phone call tonight from my doctor with the culture results.  Good News!!  This particular Staph infection happens to be just the one that the Cipro works best on!!  So that gives me a 3 day head start since I started taking it on Tuesday!  Woooo Hoooo!   Tomorrow will also be the first time since Tuesday that I’ll get to unwrap my foot to check on the healing progress!!  Hoping to see good things!!

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20 Responses to 10 Groaners

  1. Jude says:

    Awwwww, sorry to hear about your feet hun, hope things get better soon!!!As for the puns…well, I think you know my sense of ho-ho by now – LOVED THEM!!!!Take care of yourself and talk soon 🙂

  2. g says:

    Well, too bad he didn’t win.
     
    g.j.

  3. Raven says:

    Ok Bob, and keep in mind I’m saying that with a delightfully sexy French accent so it actually sounds like Bub…anyway…where was I?  Oh yes, I know California is a decent sized state, but I’m wondering now if we are somehow related, which in retrospect makes our mutal stalking a wee bit creepy, but in the very best kind of way?  I’m rambling, but since it’s in a comment you can’t tell me to shut my piehole-HA HA!! These puns are the sorts of things my 3 sisters and I terrorize each other and the unsuspecting public with, you should join us at a BBQ sometime…oooh look………..something shiny *Raven wanders off humming a catchy tune to herself*
    XO~*R*~

  4. Steve says:

    OK No Pun In Ten Did, you wrote those puns,  I get the hidden message!

  5. Stephanie says:

    They are all ‘groaners’ but I liked #6 the best. lol
     
    Now, be sure and take all your meds, every bit, even if you start to feeling better!
    I’m so glad things are looking up. Be careful and take care. BIG HUGS, Steph

  6. Jean says:

    Woo Hoo!! Glad about the results of the culture! But, those puns!! I groooooaaaaned all the way through!! Funny,
    hugs,
    Jean

  7. Raven says:

    Unwrapping is always fun…It’ll be like Christmas!  Hopefully you won’t find a hoof or a lobster claw or a hand…YIKES!!
    So….maybe I’ll just sit on your lap while we ride the rides, as opposed to riding the costumed characters?
    Bon Chance mon ami!
    XO~*R*~

  8. Jess says:

    Ok I have to admit they were good puns lol.
     
    I am so glad to hear that things are *hopefully* getting better with the infection !

  9. Sanne says:

    Funny puns!
    Glad to hear that things are looking up with your foot :o)  You’ll be running a marathon before ya know it…LOL!
     
    Sanne

  10. Litespreader says:

    Cute puns.. all but the ‘squaw’ one…  my medicine man told menever to refer to myself, or any other woman as a squaw.. he said it’s the same as calling someone a bitch.  Sorry to hear ofyour infection, and I trust it’s much better. Have a great weekend.  t

  11. Angie says:

    skippidy-do-da!!! you’re going to be running amuck before you know it!!!! glad to hear the good news!

  12. KatSoup says:

    HI Bob, Been unable to comment the last few days ???  I thought maybe MSN had expelled me while i wasn’t looking.  I came back because I have been worried about you.  I hope you are doing better.  I know it sucks not to be able to move about.  My back is killing me but, with a lil rest I am right back up.  I feel for you.  Keep us posted on how yur keepin’.

  13. KatSoup says:

    Oh yea, when you wish to pawn a star.  ha ha my personal favorite.

  14. Beth says:

    Great news about your foot.
    Have a wonderful weekend.

  15. elana says:

    *BOOOOOOOOOO*
     
    Those were bad.  Seriously.  I have a warped sense of humour, but those were not cool.
     
    *BOOOOOO*
     
    Having said that, here’s my new favourite joke:
     
    A gal walks up to a bar and says, "Make me a double entendre"…
    so the bartender gave her one.
     
    (Yeah..it’s been met with audible blinks and crickets every time I tell it, so it’s not just you.  I think it’s funny…)
     
    On a brighter note, I’m glad to hear that everything is healing nicely.  Antibiotics are wonderful little inventions, aren’t they? Now you can put on your dancing shoes and take Mrs. Serious out for a night on the town.
     
    Have a fabulous weekend!

  16. Jane says:

    Okay, I laughed.  I really did.
    Glad you have some good news about your feet – I hope tomorrow is even better!

  17. Cindy says:

    *rolls eyes*
     
    Good luck with the foot.
     

  18. Sherrie says:

    Teehee those were too cute!
     
    I’m going for a pedicure one day soon, wanna join me?  Hope the foot heals up really quick ~hugs~

  19. Sue says:

    I can just hear the voices of Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman….

  20. Josh says:

    This reminds of my dad, fresh from a few minutes with the latest Reader’s Digest.

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