Baseball Heaven??

Well last night sure wasn’t.  And tonight’s game (the continuation of last night’s fiasco) , has already been postponed until tomorrow night. 
But I found this article in the L A Times today that I thought pretty cool.  This guy isn’t a sportswriter but he’s my favorite columnist.  Chris Erskine.  This is good!  And cute!!!
Take a Trip to Baseball Heaven
First of all, in Baseball Heaven no one spits. No seeds, no chew, none of those long streaming Niagara Falls you see every 30 seconds on TV these days — in high definition, no less. This is why I paid two grand for my TV — to watch millionaires spew like hillbillies?

Well, in Baseball Heaven, there is none of that. The players can adjust their privates publicly and wipe their mouths with both sleeves. After all, this is hardball, not the opera. It’s just the ever increasing amount of spitting we detest.

But while we’re building our Baseball Heaven — the perfect park, the perfect day — let’s do away with artificial turf. As Richie Allen once said, "If a cow can’t eat it, I don’t want to play on it."

In fact, in Baseball Heaven, there are no indoor fields, certainly not a Tropicana Field. The turf at that awful Tampa Bay field looks like the outdoor carpet surrounding the ice machine at a cheap Southern motel. There is mold, I’m sure. You could wipe out the Taliban with the spores that have accumulated behind second base. That spot where everybody spits.

Yes, in Baseball Heaven every stadium is outdoors, with dry Dodger air and the rugged San Gabriels as the perfect purple backdrop.

And in Baseball Heaven, we have certain codes of conduct, strictly enforced, though all the players pretty much abide by them. The codes of conduct include bad haircuts and weird beards. For example, have you noticed the Rays’ dugout? Like a gang of car thieves. You can’t go purely by appearances, sure, but how else are we supposed to judge strangers? And they don’t get much stranger than the Rays.

Of course, the Rays aren’t the only team with image issues. In Baseball Heaven, no one gets to wear their pants like pajamas, curling beneath their cleats. No, in Baseball Heaven, all the players wear their knickers just below the knee, so the stirrups show in those great, bright baseball hues, colors reserved for baseball socks and national flags.

See, in Baseball Heaven, we’re suckers for tradition. There is no designated hitter. No free agency till after you’ve played 12 years. If the fan behind home plate pulls out a cellphone and waves to the folks watching at home, he’ll spontaneously combust.

In Baseball Heaven, we’ll do away with those scoreboards that look like Vegas on acid. In Baseball Heaven, all fields are as green and lush and marvelously simple as Wrigley or Fenway. There’s an ancient tavern down the block where Harry Caray, Bob Prince, Mel Allen, Red Smith and Jim Murray tend bar after each game. In Baseball Heaven, Vin Scully calls every inning. The faint scent of a good cigar drifts from the press box. Plaschke wears a bowler.

In Baseball Heaven, hot dogs are a buck and peanuts (double-baggers) 50 cents. Kids who show up at the gate with straight A’s on their report cards get in free. They can bring their dogs.

In Baseball Heaven, the owner sits up in the stands, not down with the mayor or Barbra Streisand in what amounts to the first-class section. No, the owner sits up with Sid the butcher or Miguel the roofer, who worked the weekend in order to bring the kids along to a Tuesday game. That’s where the owner sits, with the people who have sacrificed to be there.

In Baseball Heaven, the wind is always blowing out yet there’s a no-hitter going into the sixth. Drysdale is on the mound and Mays is in center. Clemente is in right, of course, hands on his knees, daring the ball to come to him. In the outfield, there’s a sign that reads: "Hit this spot, win a suit."

In Baseball Heaven, your dad is in the seat next to you, just as he was at your very first game. He shows you how to keep score again, even though you already know. He smells of after shave.

You buy the old man a beer (50 cents) and then another, because you don’t wait in line in Baseball Heaven, they bring the stuff right there to your seat.

And you’re so close to the field, you can smell the smoke from Gibson’s high heater or hear Durocher or Stengel barking at the rookies.

"Sit down, kid," Durocher says. "We’ll call ya if we need ya."

That’s Baseball Heaven, featuring all the little things that somehow slipped away. You don’t get nostalgic in Baseball Heaven because everything you loved about the game is all right there.

Batter up. DiMaggio’s on deck.

Erskine is a Times staff writer.

My back is starting to get alot better!  Less pain and more tingling.  Hopefully by the weekend it will be back to normal.  Just in time for Becky to hit the road again.  This time for Phoenix!  So I have to handle Halloween trick or treaters by myself.  I have 200 candies and after that??  Individual raisons!!  Or pennies!  I’m thinking one more bag…..!  After all, I love having leftovers!!!  My mask this year to greet the treaters is frightening. Wolf mask that even scares my dogs!!  Last year I had to rip my mask off and chase 6 little ones down to give them their candy. 
The song tonight is really one of my favorites!  Hope you are having a good week.  Tomorrow is Hump Day! 
Chicken Fajitas tonight!!
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11 Responses to Baseball Heaven??

  1. Joe says:

    I heard about things getting rained out and the game cancelation…truly I haven’t had a game that I could care less about in a long time and that means baseball or football…I know,I know shocking.  Glad to hear that there’s some improvement for your back buddy, you need that so you can keep bending over backward to get your blogs out to us!

  2. Rambling says:

    Bob, I absolutely love you.  I do.  This was a wonderful blog.  I liked Baseball Heaven for certain and I agree with the sentiment 100%.  I LOVED your Halloween part too.  Made me laugh.  And I am so relieved that your back has omproved that much.  Chase them down now Halloween night.  Wish I was there.Becky, you be careful girl…

  3. Beth says:

    Baseball heaven was great Bob.  Fajitas sound good, and your back is better.  HOORAY!!

  4. DANA says:

    Good deal your bck getting better, just in time to chase children? I’ll bet that wasn’t scary at all, strange man running after them yelling hahaha. I plan on getting all my favorite candy this year and LOTS of it so I can be sure I get my share. The kids don’t believe me anymore when I say SEVERAL times that I need to check their candy and then walk away chewing. I miss the gullibility.

  5. Jill says:

    i’m having visuals of you running halfway down the street chasing terrified kiddies and then throwing your back out.  as you are laying on the ground, screaming in pain, the kiddies beat the daylights out of you with their candy bags. 
    hahahahahahahaha….you might want to rethink your halloween strategy.   

  6. Grandma's says:

    Sure am glad your back is feeling better.  Gonna give the little goblins a run for their candy HA HA…maybe I will come down with my Gorilla Mask, chase ’em all away and we can spend the night feasting on candy.  Hmmm sounds like a plan!!
    Last year we had to turn the lights off earlier because we were running out of candy and change (I have a hunch hubby was digging his grubby little fingers into the bowl when my back was turned). 
    Loved the trip to Baseball Heaven.  Sure do miss the days when my son played ball.  Don’t miss the Spitz though or the jock strap adjustments LOL.
    Great song Bob
    You have a great hump day….oh and thank you for Rascall Flatts Song …loved it.

  7. Shelly says:

    I’m so glad to hear that you are starting to heal.   Wahoo !!!  That baseball thing is GREAT!  However in my heaven the boys don’t play with them selves they ask for this Bat Girl to do the adjusting for them with a smile on her face! HA! 
    Funny about chasing the kiddos down to give em candy.   My neighbor’s son scares them all as well and they just run past my house.  
    I don’t really care for the 20 year olds that come looking for candy either.  Geesh! 
    Have a great day sunshine!  ttfn

  8. Sue says:

    GREAT article!  I want to go to baseball heaven.  Becky off AGAIN???  At least you give out candy.  In Montana, when our son, S, was trick-or-treating, the guy down the block, who was a dentist, gave out toothbrushes!  The kids always groaned at that!  My dad wanted to give each kid a nice big scoop of ice cream in their bags, but my Mom wouldn’t let him!  HA!

  9. Tracie says:

    Hey Bob!  Glad your back is feeling better!

  10. CAROL says:

    I swear that Becky is sucha  little humingbird flitting all over the place. I wish her a safe trip.. as for you I do hope you continue to heal more. I hear the baseball game will be on the same time as OBAMA has a 30 minute show on all the other networks. hmmm which one will I be watching?? hehehehe not him… we already voted absentee. Hope you have a lot of trick or treaters.. make popcorn and  give them that… heheh  take care..  : )

  11. sweeti's says:

    I saw r  Venice pics  ( of ur wify lol)
    and i remember my holiday there.
    a romantich  bota ride in the canals   with music  hmmmm
    Where are those days???
    Tx for sharing  Bob  Hows  wify??? telling stories  abt the trip yes??
    enjoy  and  TC of urself
    Huggies  and a big smile

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