explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It
should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2.66GHz PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 56K MODEM 2719.7 MB
FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to
abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody
ever reads, as well as the Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and
such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company
shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the
user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us
part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn’s early light, finders keepers,
losers weepers, thanks you’ve been a great crowd, and don’t forget to tip
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child),
please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and! whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be
the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be
| YES | | SURE |
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
when they’re done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation
program will create many new directories, sub-directories,
sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
the following message:
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
swear, like this: *!%!$&$%&*^$*!#$#!$*^&.
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than
the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you,
in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12