Only A Man Would Attempt This!!

I got this from a friend today and it cracked me up!!
 
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…..??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible
way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my
best.. .?

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one
note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would
be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s… My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

—ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!!

 
******************************************************************************************************************************************
 
I promised Dana K that I would post my favorite photo of Bonnie.  She was in the backyard stalking (NOT Dana!!) crows.  Check out that stare!!  Someday she hopes to catch one!  GOOD LUCK!! 
 
 
Does she looked ticked off or what??  HAHAHAHA!!!
 
*****************************************************************************************************************************************
As you can tell, I’ve lost my music yet again!  7 days!!!!  GRRRRRR…. 
 
Well, I sure hope you all have a great weekend and it begins to warm up.  We are going to a Flea Market tomorrow and guess what??  I’m bringing my camera!!  You won’t beleive this place!  HUGE!!!!!  Lots of freaks too!!
 
 
 
 

 

 

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17 Responses to Only A Man Would Attempt This!!

  1. Dana says:

    Oh my god I’m laughing my head off, way more than an LOL deserves. That is the funniest dog expression ever!! You can almost hear her mind on what she’s going to do with those crows. HahahahahaWhat a look!!! She looks like she just got out of bed too! I’m now definetely feeling a kinship with this girl! The taser story is hilarious too! I’m not sure if my hubby would own up to doing that! hahahaHave a good weekend Bob! You’re so funny!

  2. Jaysey says:

    I want a tazer to take to school to threaten my students!That’s a great picture of Bonnie…she definitely looks serious there!

  3. Ms Noanie says:

    I came on over to hear some good music to brigthen my day – boo hoo!Someone just sent me the tazer story and boy, if it’s true, that guy just takes the cake!And yes, Bonnies likes mighty pissed!Can’t wait to see pictures from the flea market! Enjoy!Peace

  4. Jade says:

    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Rambling says:

    I love the story and I especially love the pic of Bonnie!! What a FACE!!! Where’s her bikini?

  6. Kuskulana says:

    Intense, if Bonnie had a Tazer the crows would be in trouble!

  7. .. says:

    HAHAHAHAHA … YOU ARE CRAZY !!!! TRUE ONLY A MAN CAN DO THIS … to himself!!!! They try to ban it now in Canada, as they killed one guy in Vancouver airport!!! They say it was an accident (killing one man … can you imagine) !!! Eventually they discovered that the guy did not know any English !!!! Plus, whenever they use it, they hurt somebody really bad !!!Good luck in YOUR NUTS search !!!!Have a great weekend. Alex xxx

  8. Grandma's says:

    Bonnie looks totally pissed off. Almost like she is thinking…."if he expects me to smile for the camera, he’s got another thing coming" LOL just love this pic. Reminds me of ME first thing in the morning!!For the record….the guy that got tazered at Vancouver airport was Zapped 5 times. Also the cops had wrestled him to the ground and there is some speculation as to whether the cops had their knees on his chest on neck….obstructing the airways. Some of our cops seem to be on some kind of power trip. I think tazers, used appropriately and when absolutely necessary are not really a bad thing. Just don’t zap yourself with them…it hurts!!Have a great weekend Bob.

  9. renay says:

    ccute pic.

  10. KatSoup says:

    How sweet but, a grooming nightmare I’m sure. Oh Man I want one of those tazers! Come see my finished kitchen in the palace.

  11. Kat says:

    Great photo!

  12. Babblelot says:

    I haven’t laughed this hard in so long….my hubby walked in to see if I was alright. No words could come out as I ran out of air from the deep gut laughing and tears streaming down my face and my nose was running. All I could do was point to your blog on the monitor and finally got the word "BOB!" out.

  13. Ann says:

    Boy, if a dog can look pissed, your has it down! Too funny! Oh, yeah, only a guy would do the tazer thing – sheesh!

  14. Jill says:

    that pic of bonnie cracks me up……

  15. Sue says:

    LMAO over that article! Hubby will HAVE to see it! He’s always talking about the dumb things the guys he used to work with did on the job—but this one is priceless. Thanks for the hardy laugh! Oooh. Would love to go to a Flea Market, but not with Hubby. He doesn’t like to stop and look at stuff…have fun! And let us know what you drag home—that you don’t really need…

  16. Lori BJ says:

    i loved this story – read it out loud to DH. The photo is great – resembles one my sister took of me one morning before my prozac and coffee. LOL

  17. BRIDGET says:

    While this "taser" story is kind of funny, it is also scary because it give the general public a false sense of what a Taser actually does. Yes, I carry a Taser on my belt…and in order to do that, I had to get Tased. My experience was NOWHERE near what this guy describes. And he said the civilian model had 100,000 volts (which leads me to believe that this story is a hoax…the police version is 50,000). People hear that number and freak out, but you don’t get all 50,000 volts at once. It’s cycled at about 5,500 to 6,000 at a time. Also, it’s not volts that kill you…it’s amps and jewels. The Taser has next to nothing for amps and jewels. I also had to be sprayed with pepper spray and I’ve said it over and over…if given the choice between Taser and spray…I’d pick Taser every time. A Taser is NOT a pain complaint tactic, but the pepper spray is. After being Tased, I felt fine immediately…after the pepper spray I was in pain for hours. Bottom line, Tasers save lives. Both of criminals and of police officers. Sorry for my 2 cents, but I think it’s important to educate the public on this very useful tool.

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