Besides it being Monday, today was a BAD day!! Then I received this from a friend!
Don’t take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you DON’T know.
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered
a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak
to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s
correct number and called her. She had transposed the last
two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled "You’re an asshole!"
and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying
bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and
I’d yell, "You’re an asshole!"
It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Telephone
Company introduced caIler ID. This was a real setback for me;
I would have to stop calling the asshole.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I
heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I’m with the
Telephone Company and I’m just calling to see if you’d be
interested in our caller ID program?"
"No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down.
I called him back and said, "That’s because you’re an asshole!"
An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling
out of a parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back
out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room.
"Great", I thought, "she’s finally leaving."
All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle
in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and
started yelling, "You can’t do that. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He
walked toward the shopping center as if I didn’t even exist.
I thought to myself, "This guy’s another asshole; there sure are
a lot of assholes in this world."
Then, I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of
his car. I wrote down the phone number and hunted for another
place to park.
A couple of days later, I’m sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You’re an asshole!"
(It’s really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there
on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too. After a couple
rings, someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s
parked right out front."
I said, "What’s your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When’s a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I’m home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you’re an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.
Then, I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer. I must
say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me.
Now, when I had a problem I had two assholes to call.
Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging
up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave
the problem some serious thought and came up with this solution:
First, I had my phone speed dial asshole #1.
A man answered nicely, "Hello?"
I yelled, "You’re an asshole!" but I didn’t hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me, asshole."
He said, "What’s your name, pal?"
So I told him, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black
BMW’s parked out front."
"I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying
"Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.
Then I called asshole #2.
Don Hansen answered, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He said, "If I ever find out who you are…"
"I’ll kick your ass."
"Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now,
asshole." And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them
I was on my way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there. Another quick call to
Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th St.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street
to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction!
Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was
one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Now you know what to do if you have a really bad day.
I feel better now!!! Have a Great week!