The Twilight Zone!!

This past weekend was truly a ‘lost’ weekend.  First I lost my cell phone and then my wireless modem went south (or north?).  So I spent the weekend watching baseball and Discovery Channel.  Pretty exciting, huh?

So, Saturday afternoon I decide to take a nap in the recliner.  I wake up and the clock reads 7:30.  Thinking that it’s SUNDAY morning, I drowsily walk outside to pick up the Sunday paper.  Nothing there!!!!  I did notice that it was kind of dark but I blamed the  clouds.  I phone the L A Times to request a replacement newspaper and they tell me that it’s too late.  Wait! 7:30 is too late?? I look outside and notice that it’s getting darker.  Then it ‘dawns’ on me….. It’s 7:30 on SATURDAY night!!  Now I’m totally screwed up and I will be all week.  I keep thinking that today is Tuesday, which is not altogether a bad thing!  So please do me a favor and keep reminding me what day it is!

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Another column from my favorite writer.  I hope you enjoy these.

Diving feet first into a pedicure

 
Chris Erskine

Chris Erskine
July 18, 2009

I was thinking the other day, while I was getting my toes done, that I need to get out of Los Angeles before it’s too late, before I start frequenting spas or doing picnics at the Bowl on a regular basis. In about five years, L.A. is destined to become the first unisex city in America. As it is, they’ve got poor Joe Torre doing ads for green tea.
And I want no part of that. A real nation has two political parties and two distinct sexes, Sacha Baron Cohen not withstanding.
"Isn’t this fun, Daddy?" my daughter says.
Can columns jump the shark? This one has. I am in some froufrou Pasadena nail salon with my daughter, cashing in on the Father’s Day gift she gave me, a gift certificate for a full-bore pedicure. I shrugged it off for weeks after I got it, figuring it for a joke.
"How’s tomorrow afternoon?" the little girl asked.
"Huh?"
"For the pedicure," she said.
"Um, I have a meeting."
"How about Wednesday?"
When she’d set up an appointment, I’d break it. Like most teenagers, my daughter has no idea exactly what her father does for a living, so it’s easy to fool her into thinking I have lots of important meetings.
"Ten a.m. Tuesday," she finally said — a statement, not a question.
"OK," I said, sensing tears.
So now I am in some pink and white nail salon in Old Pasadena. By the way, I don’t know why they call parts of it Old Pasadena. From what I can tell, the entire city looks like Rome.
"Other foot," the nice foot therapist is saying.
"Do you serve ice cream here?" I ask.
She giggles.
"Because this looks like the sort of place that should serve ice cream," I say.
And it does. It has Lucite shelves and counters. It is very clean. Maybe it’s a hospital.
"Do you take Medicare?" I ask.
She giggles again.

Seems clear I’m not going to get a straight answer out of the foot therapist. She is fixated on my feet, which is flattering. My wife, Posh, won’t even look at my feet. When we’re spooning in bed and my feet touch hers, she gets the willies, as if she just stepped on a possum. An hour in the shower and she is back.
Truth is, I have the face of a 12-year-old and Moses’ feet. These little piggies have a million miles on them, and that’s just from going to the fridge and back for beer.
They are a man’s feet, the color of whiskey. Gnarly, notched with scars and calluses. Some places appear to have been burned with a blowtorch. The big toe on the starboard side looks like it’s growing a nose.
And, honestly, my feet might be my nicest feature.
Booted, these feet have pushed over tree stumps, kick-started horses and motorcycles. Naked, these feet have stepped on catfish, scampered over barnacled boulders, collected 10,000 splinters on docks from here to Long Island. I swear, you could build a nice oak desk just from the splinters currently in my feet.
So maybe they deserve a little pampering. Best as I can recall, no one has ever touched these feet before today, except for the obstetrician on the day I was born. And the poor salesman, on the rare occasion — every five years or so — when I buy new shoes.
"Have you ever seen such beautiful feet?" I ask my daughter.
"No, Dad," she says, not looking up from her fashion magazine.
"Each toe a little pearl."
"Right, Dad."
"You’re lucky you have my feet," I say.
"Shhhuuuuuush," she says, shushing me dead.
These are the things we do for our kids. We wake up every morning for 40 years and go off to work. We wait up for them at night, hold them when they cry, feed them soup when they are lovesick.
I have indulged every kind of trend, technology, rock group, hair style and cosmetic idiocy my teenagers have thrown my way.
I have said yes more than I have said no.
And now I am in a Pasadena nail salon, making the ultimate sacrifice. My first and final pedicure.
"Lavender?" the foot stylist says, holding up tubes of scented cream.
"Do you have root beer?" I ask.
"No," she says.
"Because I really like root beer."
"I have peach?" the foot stylist says.
Please help me God.

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As far as music this week, ALL female Country artists beginning with Trisha Yearwood.

Have a Great Tuesday!!  LOL!!

 

PS:  Saturday was Becky and my 28th wedding anniversary.  Here are the roses I got for her…

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14 Responses to The Twilight Zone!!

  1. Joe says:

    Yo Bob, it’s Monday! I’ve sure had my days messed up for one reason or another however not because of a nap usually. The pedicure thing LOL! I had a pedicure a time or two in the Philippines…I try not to think about the infections from instruments that weren’t properly cleaned! Now Love keeps old toothbrushes to clean toes…and she thinks I’m crazy in the cleanliness department…yikes!

  2. GreatGranny says:

    Wow, a very nice Anniversary gift for the Wife of 28 years, beautiful roses,

  3. Stephanie says:

    Gorgeous roses! Now, to use a line from, "Dude, where’s my car?"…. AND THEN???????????? AND THENNNNNN? lol BIG HUGS, and Happy Anniversary! Steph

  4. Stephanie says:

    Pssst, what day is today?

  5. Lori BJ says:

    i would say it was sunday due to the fact that i am always a day late and a dollar short, but i know its monday becuase it is phone call day to all the places i needed to call over the weekend but they were closed. it i135 pm monday afternoon.

  6. Jade says:

    wow lots going on here- anniversary? well no wonder you were out of sorts!

  7. Rambling says:

    Congratulations on 28 years.

  8. artsylady says:

    I can certainly identify with the nap thing. I’ve done that more than once. It also reminds me of a song………Does anyone really know what time it is, does anyone really care…..My days run together most of the time. I’m more confused about the days than once was, but it…doesn’t really matter much to me…Does your wife know how lucky she is to receive such beautiful roses after 28 years? I’m sure she does! It’s been so long since I received flowers for any reason, I can’t remember what they look like, except on spaces. LOL Have a good week, Bob. j

  9. Grandma's says:

    Hi Bob….in case you are wondering…it is still Monday.Beautiful roses for a beautiful lady….what did the little lady give her hubby??Kudos for Becky for putting up with you for 28 years…just kidding, of course. My poor hubby has had to suffer 31 years with me. No wonder he is almost bald LOL When we got married he had a huge mass of hair. Have a wonderful rest of the week. ~Karin~

  10. Lisa R. says:

    Beautiful Roses Bob, you did good! Did an opera CD go with them? Just wondering, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU BOTH!!

  11. ♥ Aimee says:

    ♪♫♫ ♪♫ ♫♪ Happy Anniversary…Happy Anniversary…Happy Anniversary…Haaaaaaaaaappy Anniversary… ♪ ♫♫♪ ♪♫ ♫ ♪♪♫♫♪~*:.♥.:*~ because you shared a smile :o) someone’s day got brighter… ~*:.♥.:*~

  12. Sue says:

    Love the thing about feet! I actually DID laugh out loud! Just read a quote on another space that applies to you: "I know I’m in my own world, but it’s OK. They know me there." Now, quick, what day is this?!!!

  13. Sue says:

    Oh, and hope you had a great anniversary! Wow! 28 years!

  14. Dee says:

    Hey, Bob, It’s Tuesday now, ’cause The Batchelorette’ was on last night and my PC tell me this….lol

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