Understanding Tools

This is mostly for the men but I’m sure you women can relate
 
TOOLS EXPLAINED BY A DO-IT-YOURSELFER
 
 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly- painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL

 

The fires are 60% contained.  Much cooler and more humidity.  No rain but no wind either.  We will take it!

 

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but I have began putting my songs at the end of my posts rather than my Media Player. I guess people come onto my space in different ways.  So just click on the link and if you like it, you can download it from there.

 

I hope everyone had a Super weekend!

 

Here is tonight’s song… Funny!!

 

http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/2/19/795611/Toby%20Keith%20-%20I%20Wanna%20Talk%20About%20Me.mp3

 

 

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6 Responses to Understanding Tools

  1. john says:

    Tools….to be or not to be….now where did i leave it?good story

  2. J says:

    That pretty much clears it up. A very liberating post. I thought it was just me and my south paw all these years.j

  3. CoCo says:

    I truly loved this post, Bob…..like the song too.

  4. Ann says:

    Nice dictionary you have.

  5. Greg says:

    Hello Bob…Glad the fires are getting contained. It has been a rough one for the State of California.You know…I can relate to everyone of the tools with a “done that.”Be well and safe…Greg

  6. Sue says:

    Too true, some of those tools. I use lots of them in my piano business, so I can relate. However, they are seldom that mean to me! Glad the fires are becoming contained and hope they will be out by the end of the week. Have a great weekend, Bob and thanks for visiting my space!

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